Blurred Clarity
I was drawn in initially by the beauty of the photograph- the colors of the pebbles blended and appeared fluid, as if I was standing by the stream where the picture was taken. I could imagine the sound of the water, babbling and delightfully peaceful. The title of the photograph nailed it, though. I had to have it hanging in my office! The title, Blurred Clarity, describes perfectly how I have felt at times when at a crossroads, not knowing which path to take.
We’ve all been there at times, haven’t we? Facing a weighty decision, we may not have clarity – “the ability to think clearly and not be confused” (the Cambridge English Dictionary). Whether it is a decision about a career change, to leave or stay in a relationship, or any other important choice you are on the brink of making, our lack of clarity can cause anxiety, self-doubt and insomnia. It can become paralyzing as we may analyze and attempt to foresee possible outcomes for which there is no way to predict. Sometimes it seems the more we struggle to come up with the “right” decision the more muddled it becomes. When the choice is clear, we have peace even when the decision is a difficult one and may cause pain to self or others.
For example, if you are in an unhappy or dysfunctional relationship, and decide for your emotional well-being to end the relationship, you may still feel sadness, grief, or guilt. You may still care for this person and have children with them, and may remember the good times or qualities that initially drew you to care for your partner. It can be a complicated decision, with so many things to consider such as financial security, co-parenting concerns, fear that somehow ending will mean “I failed”, or religious beliefs that discourage ending a marriage. All these concerns and more can leave one in a state of confusion, uncertainty, and “paralysis by analysis”. (Note for this discussion, abusive relationships are not addressed. That is a separate consideration, in which safety is the ultimate priority.)
So how does one gain clarity when faced with such a weighty decision? I heard once that “change happens when the pain of remaining the same outweighs the fear of the unknown”. That may or may not apply when you find yourself facing a choice that is difficult. It just may be that it feels like the right time to make a change, i.e., feeling stagnant in your career, or longing for a change in your environment that is leading you to consider a move to a new house or community. It is helpful in some cases to remember the decision does not have to be permanent. A career move can be temporary until a new position can be obtained. Likewise, moves to a new location can also be viewed as temporary to decrease the paralyzing weight of the choice.
Talking with trusted friends or mentors who may help guide or inform your decision can be helpful, as well as gathering information about your choices. Be careful though, that you are not dismissing your own concerns or instincts in favor of other’s opinions of what you should do. In addition, talking to too many folks may muddy the waters even more, as you may get conflicting advice, adding to your own confusion.
It can be tricky to base decisions on either “gut feelings” or logic alone. Ideally, we use our “wise mind”, paying attention to feelings and thoughts, making decisions based on what we know (factual information) and the emotions connected to the issue. Exploring both emotions and logic can lead to clarity, whereas considering each by itself may lead to uncertainty.
Setting a timeline in which to have a decision made may be helpful. Sitting in ambivalence or uncertainty is difficult over long periods of time. However, giving yourself permission for enough time to prevent an impulsive decision may help you gain crucial information. For example, if you are in an unhappy marriage, Harriet Lerner in The Dance of Connection recommends giving yourself several months in which you are the kind of partner you want your partner to be. If during that time, there is no change in the relationship, that is very important information on which to base your decision.
We cannot always see all the ramifications of our final decisions. We do the best we can based on what we know in the present, as well as on past experiences. Gathering as much self-compassion and patience as we can extend ourselves may help decrease the pressure that so often comes when we lack the clarity we desire.
Photograph credit:
Sandra Gaskill